Today I talk about the sport of having sex when you have children in the house.

I also relive July 1972 when the Stones came to town. I wasn’t allowed out because of the hippies.

Most people talk about the oldest child having very strict parents, the youngest having it too easy (and getting spoiled) and of course the middle child getting lost in the shuffle.  To me none of these apply. The child that has it worst is the child whose bedroom is next to Mom and Dad’s.

Maybe I’m weird, but when I walk into a room with naked people I typically look down, say “I’m sorry” and leave immediately. I thought this was the standard response for most people. But then again, if you had something very important you might stay to make sure you made your point.

Today’s show features music from Apa State Mental and the song is “Eaten By Hippes” from the Podsafe Music Network.

Today we finish up with stories from my honeymoon. This time we relive the “relaxing” trip we had riding inner tubes down the little river in Pigeon Forge TN. We had a great time. We have the scars to prove it.

We talk about scooter and his death defying dives, taking people out of the river, bees, deathly undertows, all for only $8 for the whole day.

According to an AARP article Dolly Parton is worth between 200 and 400 million dollars.  She has done some fine things with her money like she has donated millions of books for parents to read to their children. She created Dollywood and the Dixie Stampede in Pigeon Forge Tennessee which I’m sure brings in some great tax money for the area. She has had a music career that has outlasted many many artists.

HOWEVER

We went to Dollywood. It was nice. We saw some very beautiful bald eagles. Its interesting in that the typical stereotype of a southerner is a guy named Scooter who has the brains of an ice cube. This then makes you nervous when you hear “Keep you arms and hands inside the ride at all times yall.” When Scooter or Goober or Cletus has your life in his hands it makes you just a wee bit nervous. Another fun fact was  I forgot to take my motion sickness medicine and we were worried about me getting sick. We did a few water rides and were having fun. Nothing too scary. Then we got on this coaster that you could only see a small portion of it. That is becuase the majority of it was inside in the dark. I knew I was going to be in trouble. It whipped us around upside down and backwords, and about the time I thought I was going to hurl it stopped. I was flat on my back looking straight up. I looked at Diane and said, “this is bad I need this to be the end.” About that time it launched us straight up, and pretty much straight down as it blew fire at our face. A couple of more spins and we slammed to stop.

I gagged. I had no good options. If I threw up I had a choice of spewing on the teenagers beside me, hurling on my wife, or swallowing it. I closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead. The little boy turned to me and asked, “Are you ok?” without looking at him I said, “No.” The boy next to him let out a “Man that was awesome.” Diane frantically tried to get somebody’s attention to let me get off quick. He asked again, “Are you OK?” Again without looking at him I said, “No.”

Then the car in front of me emptied and the moved my car up and then stopped it suddenly. Here came the flood. I put my hand over my mouth to stop anything from coming out.  This was one of the grossest things I’ve ever had to do.

Diane again frantically tried to get someone’s attention. The car moved again, and my restraints were loosened. I ran to the nearest waste basket and for whatever reason had a dry heave. The good news bad news. The good news was I wasn’t doing the technicolor yawn. The bad news is I was dizzy, tired, sopping with sweat. We slowly made our way to the park exit. Thankfully we had hit all of the attractions.

We had some issues finding the exit only to find out that the only way to get out of the park is to go through the gift shop. OK, I know Dolly got this from Disney. Seriously though. I know you got this from Disney, but how much money do you need?

We later went to her restaurant the Dixie Stampede which was good entertainment. However they tell you to show up 90 minutes early before the show. It’s imperative that you show up 90 minutes before the show. So we did and they ushered us into this big cantina where you can get a bag of popcorn. Well let me change that, you can get a bag of salt with some popcorn thrown on top of it. Then she will sell you a soft drink (probably about 8 ounces once you take out the ice) in the shape of a boot for 4 bucks. When you exit the place they send you through a weird back hallway down some steps so (you guessed it) you can exit through the gift shop.

Dolly you are the Gene Simmons of country. In fact you look a little like Gene Simmons at this point. I know you say it takes a lot of money to look this cheap, but my God you are scaring the children.  I’m buying stock in botox.

Let’s count the people who had had their lives take a turn for the worse after having a reality show about their life. If your show gets an audience, it seems to ruin your life.

Nick and Jessica Simpson (divorce)

Dave Navare and Carmen Electra (divorce)

Jack and Kate + 8 (c’mon – Divorce)

The Osbournes (Kids went to rehab).

Hulk Hogan (divorce)

Anna Nicole Smith (death)

And now MC Hammer is going to have a reality show. He is not well known for making good business choices in the past, and it appears he is still at it.

David Carradine Dies with a Noose Around His Junk

I’m not sure why a “Standard” orgasm is not enough for some people. This puzzles me. I mean,  I don’t think I”ve ever uttered the phrase, “Man that orgasm was awful!” Auto-erotica is some funky way of having sex where you basically bring yourself to the point of orgasm and death at the same time.  So when someone comes to me and says, “Here is your noose,” I’m afraid I’m going to have to say, “I’m sorry this doesn’t sound like a good idea.” There are alegations that he was wearing fishnets and a wig, that he had sex with family member(s). His fourth wife cited his feakiness in their divorce papers. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I’ll just take the “same old sam old” orgasm. No need to super size me, or wrap a noose around my junk.

I’m typically a hard person to find speechless, but when my Ethics teacher presented us a blog posting about a Japanese video game called “Rapelay”  where the goal of the games was to rape women and force them into having abortions. I grew up playing Monopoly and operation.  I was speechless.

I mean how does that go down? Does Hop Sing come running and and go “I’ve got a great idea for a game where YOU can be the rapest,” and everyone goes “By george he’s got it!” I mean seriously. How does this have a market so that people would even ponder the thought of creating it in the first place? What’s next Old McDonald’s Bestiality Video Game?

I suppose if I stand up and say, “I embrace free speach, and I embrace other cultures, but this is messed up” I’m going to be labeled “judgemental.” If this is the case, what would be classified as wrong?

I just know at this point, I’ve seen enough. It’s sad, and I feel ashamed to be human. I want off the planet. “Check please!” lets box it up and get out of here.

Today I’m talking about my New Year’s eve. I was watching Dick Clark’s rockin’ eve hosted by Ryan Seacrest. It was fairly horrible. The interesting thing is when I was growing up Dick Clark was for the younger people and Guy Lombardo was for the old folks. Now Dick Clark is for the older folk like me.

Well Dick had a stroke 2 years ago and apparently has not recovered a whole lot. They dragged him out last year so we could try to decipher what he was saying. This year I wondered, “Are they going to dust off Dick?” They did and he has had some work done on his face, and apparently has not been attending his speak therapy as regularly as he should. This saddens me. I don’t want to be reminded that he is not the Dick Clark I remember.

TAKE THE POLL

My Petco Advertisement

I wanted to let everyone know that as food was not covered on the petco discounts I have asked to be removed from that advertising campaign. Everyone I asked, “What do you buy at Petco?” answered, “Food.” Thanks to MEvio for letting me out of my contract. Nothing against Petco, but I didn’t feel comfortable with this campaign.

Today I come to you with the demented slant on Christmas music. This was caused by hearing the same 14 songs over and over. I mean I love Andy Williams, but not for four weeks straight. It turns out that while rock music is about Sex Drugs and Rock n Roll, Christmas music is the same.

BONUS TOPIC:

I also took my fiance’s 15 year old daughter driving for the first time in an abandonded Target parking lot. It was just as exciting as an amusement park ride. She did great, and it will be fun helping her get her liscense.

2009 is going to be the year.

I’m going to graduate, get a job, and finally marry the nurse. This has potential to be the best year of my life. I’m also going to get into shape. Why not join me at www.logicalloss.com

Shopping? Go to www.supportthisshow.com

I’m not making this up. MTV has a new show “Sex with Mom and Dad” where Daddies little skank has been knocking boots with her boyfriend without protection so we bring in Doctor Drew to get her to talk about the details of her sex life with her parents.

They are so proud that she’s going to be a responsible slut.

I couldn’t take it when the switch to the homosexual who dates “bad boys” and his Mom doesn’t approve.

911 Cab Service

People are calling 911 to get an ambulance to take them to the corner drug store. They won’t help themselves. This is an EMERGENCY number.

People Who Have Quit Life

I went to a school for high school children who “couldn’t make it in a normal school.” They are from ages 12-22. There is a probation officer on site. This is funded by you and me via taxes. This is their last chance to get a diploma. All they have to do is show up and breathe. There are no tests, quizzes, OR GRADES. There are competencies. If you can do this, you pass. If you miss three days in a month, you are kicked out (but can sign up again next month).

This opened up my eyes and I just can’t conceive the idea of quiting life, and expecting the world to do everything for them. I was the first kid in my family to graduate from college. I’ve paid for every dime of my college (both times except for a few grants). It’s taken me longer, but I’ve done it. I didn’t sit back, expect someone to do it for me. It’s just sooooooo weird, and yet I saw it with my very own eyes.

I’m happy that there is this oportunity who do want to try. However, for the 25% (my number, just guessing) who are sleeping in class, we are paying for the school, and we are paying for their welfare. It’s time for them to pick up the check. Worst case scenario they go to jail – and WE PAY FOR THAT TOO.

I don’t have an answer. Hope is not a drink we can sell them, they drink it, and they’re fine. It just doesn’t happen. The bad news is the people who are working are paying for these people, and as the economy goes into the toilet we need to look at things to cut. If these people will not even try to help themselves then… I don’t know. Do you?

So I am doing student teaching now. I’m with these kids 20 years in the future and the can’t comprehend anything because they have not been pushed. There have been no consequences. They still feel good about themselves, but they are so far behind the rest of the world that it will take them a bit to get caught up and be ready. Where if we had told them they “didn’t cut it” and they need to bring their learning skills “up a notch,” they may not be in this bind. Let me say something, these are NOT stupid people. It is a group of people that either their parents, their schools, etc have not held them accountable for their education.

The result is people in their 20s who are ending week 2 of school and haven’t purchased the book yet. We have people who create and online account (login and password), and then can’t remember the password. That’s ok, we sent the password to their e-mail, and they couldn’t remember the password to their email.

Again, these people are not stupid. They’ve just never been held accountable for their learning.

Mentioned in the this episode

Dave Ramsey “Total money Makeover”

Let me know more about you. Go to www.hereiamdave.com

Get 10% off your order at pedmeds.com using the coupon code ” music ” and get free shipping on orders that are $39 or more.

Music “Volume Brothers” http://www.myspace.com/volumebrothers from the Podsafe Music Network. “Hey You, why are you so stupid?”

This show originates from http://www.betterdave.com

This is one of the “weird” episodes where I just wonder why things go into my mind at certain times. I happened to notice that Apple Jacks has no mascot while most children’s cereals have a mascot (Tony the Tiger, Lucky for Lucky Charms, The rabbit for Trix, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, The Bee for Cherios).

It turns out there IS a mascot that was launched in 2005, but apprently it never caught on.

Does anyone remember Euell Gibbons and his crazy “Eat a pine cone” commercials for Grape Nuts. What marketing person thougth this made me want to eat this cereal.

Also did you know there was a fourth Crispy Brother? Roy. (OK, I stole that from David Letterman).

NEVER USE THE WORD CLUSTER when talking about food.

Brownies are the bastard son of the cake family. If we didn’t have the word “muffin” we would all be eating cup cakes for breakfast.

Music today by the band Gecko 3 www.gecko3.comfrom the Podsafe Music Network at www.podsafemusicnetwork.com????????

Also, this weeks Cosmopolitan magazine has a headline that says,
“Be a genius in bed.” (or something like that). I mean sex has
been around for a while. Don’t you think we’ve got a pretty good
grip on it (no pun intended). Is there really anything 100% new?

So I talk about some of the things I expect to see if and when I read a cosmopolitan magazine.

We weren’t there 10-15 minutes and she starts a song about “Sleeping with one eye open becuase her man won’t leave her alone.” Your honor I rest my case. 

I also made up a couple of songs I might expect to hear including, “I think I done broke it off in me…”

Now it’s just my opinion. These seem like lovely people, but I’m not really into watching a 270+ lb woman grind on stage. It’s just not my thing.  

Speaking of great soul singers, I end the show with a cut from the Podsafe Music Network (music.podshow.com) featuring Shameka Copeland (www.alligatorrecords.com ) “Breakin”

Welcome to another installment of “The 12 Dave’s of Christmas” (#8 for those keeping Track)

Today I’m going to do something I’ve NEVER done in any of my 100s of podcast episodes. I’m going to SING.

It’s a Christimas song about the true meaning of Chrstmas. It’s me, a guitar, and a microphone (and a touch of reverb).