A Relaxing Float Down the River

Today we finish up with stories from my honeymoon. This time we relive the “relaxing” trip we had riding inner tubes down the little river in Pigeon Forge TN. We had a great time. We have the scars to prove it.

We talk about scooter and his ddeath-defyingdives, taking people out of the river, bees, deathly undertows, all for only $8 for the whole day.

Dolly Greedy Parton

Dolly Parton

According to an AARP article Dolly Parton is worth between 200 and 400 million dollars.  She has done some fine things with her money like she has donated millions of books for parents to read to their children. She created Dollywood and the Dixie Stampede in Pigeon Forge Tennessee which I'm sure brings in some great tax money for the area. She has had a music career that has outlasted many many artists.

HOWEVER

We went to Dollywood. It was nice. We saw some very beautiful bald eagles. Its interesting in that the typical stereotype of a southerner is a guy named Scooter who has the brains of an ice cube. This then makes you nervous when you hear “Keep you arms and hands inside the ride at all times yall.” When Scooter or Goober or Cletus has your life in his hands it makes you just a wee bit nervous. Another fun fact was  I forgot to take my motion sickness medicine and we were worried about me getting sick. We did a few water rides and were having fun. Nothing too scary. Then we got on this coaster that you could only see a small portion of it. That is becuase the majority of it was inside in the dark. I knew I was going to be in trouble. It whipped us around upside down and backwords, and about the time I thought I was going to hurl it stopped. I was flat on my back looking straight up. I looked at Diane and said, “this is bad I need this to be the end.” About that time it launched us straight up, and pretty much straight down as it blew fire at our face. A couple of more spins and we slammed to stop.

I gagged. I had no good options. If I threw up I had a choice of spewing on the teenagers beside me, hurling on my wife, or swallowing it. I closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead. The little boy turned to me and asked, “Are you ok?” without looking at him I said, “No.” The boy next to him let out a “Man that was awesome.” Diane frantically tried to get somebody's attention to let me get off quick. He asked again, “Are you OK?” Again without looking at him I said, “No.”

Then the car in front of me emptied and the moved my car up and then stopped it suddenly. Here came the flood. I put my hand over my mouth to stop anything from coming out.  This was one of the grossest things I've ever had to do.

Diane again frantically tried to get someone's attention. The car moved again, and my restraints were loosened. I ran to the nearest waste basket and for whatever reason had a dry heave. The good news bad news. The good news was I wasn't doing the technicolor yawn. The bad news is I was dizzy, tired, sopping with sweat. We slowly made our way to the park exit. Thankfully we had hit all of the attractions.

We had some issues finding the exit only to find out that the only way to get out of the park is to go through the gift shop. OK, I know Dolly got this from Disney. Seriously though. I know you got this from Disney, but how much money do you need?

We later went to her restaurant the Dixie Stampede which was good entertainment. However they tell you to show up 90 minutes early before the show. It's imperative that you show up 90 minutes before the show. So we did and they ushered us into this big cantina where you can get a bag of popcorn. Well let me change that, you can get a bag of salt with some popcorn thrown on top of it. Then she will sell you a soft drink (probably about 8 ounces once you take out the ice) in the shape of a boot for 4 bucks. When you exit the place they send you through a weird back hallway down some steps so (you guessed it) you can exit through the gift shop.

Dolly you are the Gene Simmons of country. In fact you look a little like Gene Simmons at this point. I know you say it takes a lot of money to look this cheap, but my God you are scaring the children.  I'm buying stock in botox.

Two Things to Avoid

Two Things To Avoid

Let's count the people who had had their lives take a turn for the worse after having a reality show about their life. If your show gets an audience, it seems to ruin your life.

Nick and Jessica Simpson (divorce)

Dave Navare and Carmen Electra (divorce)

Jack and Kate + 8 (c'mon – Divorce)

The Osbournes (Kids went to rehab).

Hulk Hogan (divorce)

Anna Nicole Smith (death)

And now MC Hammer is going to have a reality show. He is not well known for making good business choices in the past, and it appears he is still at it.

David Carradine Dies with a Noose Around His Junk

I'm not sure why a “Standard” orgasm is not enough for some people. This puzzles me. I mean,  I don't think I”ve ever uttered the phrase, “Man that orgasm was awful!” Auto-erotica is some funky way of having sex where you basically bring yourself to the point of orgasm and death at the same time.  So when someone comes to me and says, “Here is your noose,” I'm afraid I'm going to have to say, “I'm sorry this doesn't sound like a good idea.” There are alegations that he was wearing fishnets and a wig, that he had sex with family member(s). His fourth wife cited his feakiness in their divorce papers. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'll just take the “same old sam old” orgasm. No need to super size me, or wrap a noose around my junk.