I’ve got a feeling, a feeling I can’t hide. The immortal words of Paul McCartney (Not only a great singer/ songwriter – and my favorite Beatle), but one of the best screamers in Rock and Roll.
I’ve haven’t put out a better Dave since August of 2010. Wow. That’s a long time.
When we last left off, if we look at the big picture, I had started this podcast about me trying online dating. Well I found a wonderful woman, and now she is my wife. Off to walk happily into the sunset. Then 2011 hit. I thought things in my past were my worst years. The year my mother died. Telling my grandmother she had outlived her child. My divorce/bankruptcy in 2004 when I found out my ex-wife had cheated on me. Well I’m here to tell you, that those years were the warm up acts to 2011.
The year has been bad? No. I’ve been bad. To tell the story of 2011 is to tarnish the halo of Dave Jackson. To potentially add to the group of people who think I’m a monster. Since the perverbal crap cannon of 2011 fired, I have had a nagging in my soul to tell this story. It seems weird. Why would I want to tell a story where I am the villain? Why tell a story that could cost me employment as a consultant, and give people who hate Christians another reason to say we are all hypocrites.
Is this narcissism at its finest?
I had to dig deep about this one. My answer? I don’t think so. Yes this will be about me. Yes I’m trying to make a bad situation better, but in the end I want this to be about YOU.
One thing that is in my core is a genetic urge to help people. If I have a skill, and you need it, I will give it to you. If you start a sentence with “Can you help me…” I am ready to say yes before you finish. This has got me into hot water sometimes by overextending myself, but in the end I like to help people. It makes me feel good. I believe that’s why I want to tell this story. If I can help someone avoid what I have been through, it’s worth it.
I’ve learned a lot this year. This means that for a while this podcast isn’t going to be the slacked jawed sarcastic wit…. Ok, I’ll still be sarcastic. Try as I might, I have a hard time turning my sarcasm off. But the days of making fun of My Little Skank, or Sex Drugs and Christmas, Private parts that fail, Wild Rides, etc. are going on hold for a bit. If you unsubscribe, I understand. If you’re married I urge you to stick with me. My plan is to make these 15 minutes an episode. This way if the episode stinks, I only wasted 15 minutes of your time. Eventually we will return to our regularly scheduled sarcasm.
I just know that I want to make people laugh (almost more than I want to help them). Laughter is one of my favorite things to do. But right now I feel like when you’re lost in downtown. Have you ever gone through that? You know where you want to go, but you can’t get there. You can see it, but you can’t take the road you want because it goes the wrong way. If this podcast is about my life, I can’t skip 2011. In reality I will probably look back at and say that 2011 was the linchpin of my success or failure. If this bores you, I apologize but another thing this podcast has turned into is some bizarre therapy for me. I need to get some things off my chest.
That’s the other fun part of this story. I’m starting it before I know the ending. All I know is that 67% of second marriages end in divorce. I know how I want this story to end. I know where I want to go; I’m just having a heck of a time getting there. I know I’m living in my sister’s house an hour from my home. I see my wife on the weekends as we continue to try to keep our marriage afloat. I have step children who cannot tolerate my presence. I know I’m scared. So as we go forward, I’m going to talk about my road into chaos, pain, and even jail. That’s right kids; I’m pulling back the curtain. Putting it all on the line. This isn’t the reality TV you see on TV that has been concocted by some producer who thinks we believe that Carrot Top just happened to be driving by when it just so happened that Gene Simmons car broke down. This is the real deal.
As you know I’ve been going to school to be a pastor. If I ever lead a church is up to God at this point, but I need to let you know I’m going to be a bit preachier. God is another thing that is in my core. Not religion. GOD I hate religion. But as I describe the chaos that has been 2011, I am here to tell you that one thing and one thing only has got me through it and his name is Jesus. The only reason I still have a shred of my marriage left is I have a wife who believes God has a plan. We haven’t been following it, and now we are asking, “Why isn’t this working?” (Um… you’re not following the plan). If you want to hear me preach, go over to feedingmyfaith.com (so again, these won’t be sermons).
I can’t figure out if my podcast is art. Music is art. Poetry is art. Is a podcast art? Is the way I tell a story art? That’s where I think I’m really weird. That I’m using my life, tarnished as it is, to create art. Again, my motivation is to help you avoid the carp cannon. Some spills, you just can’t clean up. Stay tuned. It's going to get real.